Well, now I feel even more like Holden Caulfield. This whole situation is so goddam depressing and I wish I'd just not gotten myself into it.

Should I really feel this broken? Maybe not so much broken, maybe more led on. I mean, I really just want to cry because I'm completely in the dark. Tomorrow, if she holds my hand in the car do I enjoy it and take advantage of the affection? Knowing that she doesn't want a goddam relationship just depresses me so much. She likes me, she likes spending time with me, and she seems to like being close to me. Why do I have to turn this into something that it isn't? I just want to tell her I love her and get it over with. I really must be a goddam madman.
I just want to cry right now. I mean, I don't know what I mean now. Life is so regoddamdiculous. Why does somebody so perfect have to be so damn out of reach?

Current Mood: depressed

I've been waiting for the day where karma comes back to me for my past relationships. I've never cheated, but I've never really been completely honest either. I'm falling head first over this girl that has all of my attention, and finally I'm feeling how it is to get the shit end of the stick. To be so close, so close I can taste it, and not be able to hold her here.
Maybe karma won't strike me with this one, but I can tell that Vicky's just as indecisive as me. She's just like me when it comes to picking between being single or being in a relationship, and it sucks that I already know what she wants. As much as I hope that she means what she says about me, I can't help but think about how easily she could do what I've done so many times.
I hope I'm just being paranoid.
And I hope that she doesn't do what I'm dreading, so.

So...everybody has chosen a direction in which they are going to go.
I'm going in the direction of physical fitness right now...but I don't really want to have a future where I deal with sweaty obese people with shitty attitudes that complain about how hard it is for them to not eat a cheese burger. Simple solution is...wait...self control. Hmph. I was sincerely debating the personal trainer aspect of a career in such a field...God-that'd be horrible.

I told Mrs. Levitsky a really long time ago that I was interested in Photoshop and Photo editting...video editting...audio...Simply put: Digital Video/Audio editting. Perhaps I actually should get off of my ass and scrounge up a couple of copies that I can find off of friends/IRC/bittorrent. Learn how to use Photoshop and such. And once I get firmiliar with that I'll look into Video/Audio.

( I need a little help too, please )

For now I'm off to search some sites for cameras and shit.

Current Location: Work; Computer Lab
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Still - Atrophy

Here I am at work...as of the last update I was in Coin Department at Mohegan Sun...I may have had a girlfriend...I was very unhappy...

Maybe a couple weeks later? Now I'm working in the Employee Fitness Center at Mohegan Sun, single, and I'm extremely happy with the way things have been working out lately. They can always be better...but I've realized that Denis Leary is right on No Cure For Cancer.
Nobody's happy, ok!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That's it, ok! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work, ok!? That is it! End of fucking list!
That's exactly how I feel lately, and I'm as content as I'm going to be for the time being and I'm perfectly happy knowing that.

So the casino has gotten this genius idea to block a whole bunch of URLs in the computer lab. They listed Myspace as "Personals and Dating". I had to laugh when I saw that. Eric called I.S. because he's a myspacer too:
"Hi, this is Eric from the Fitness Center...I had a bunch of people coming up tonight asking why MySpace was blocked on all of the computers over here in the employee center?"
After a few minutes on the phone he told me that the guy in I.S. didn't realize it was blocked and he was going to talk to someone tonight to find out. Maybe they'll even unblock it? o_o Prolly not, ah well.

Clerks II was hilarious...Joe can even vouche for me there...almost throwing up from laughing so hard during the Star Wars V Lord of The Rings.
My nipples are now peirced. And I've got Vuthy popping an industrial in my ear over the next week or so. At least...I think I'll get Vuthy to do it..I might just head over to Flat's in Groton alone and get it done.
I've begun a bare minimum of 60g(sometimes)75g of Protein a day...which is by far more than I was consuming before I started working at the gym. As soon as I gain about 5-10lbs I'm going to buy some RedLine, and some Multi-Vitamins.

Current Location: Work; computer Lab
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Between The Buried And Me - Roboturner

Sorry for leaving everybody, but I've gotten extremely extremely busy, and kind of forgot about livejournal. I forgot my password and haven't been able to log on but haven't felt like changing the password. So, I got vexxed into myspace.
www.myspace.com/phallicstaffofdeath

Now that I've got my password changed on here I'll be on a little bit more.

Yeah...I went to myspace.

And I dont want this to get deleted.

Reque back to the end of the line for deletion.


Woot.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!!!

I'm off to my sister's house for a little while. Then off to an extremely slow night at the casino...

- Brian

Current Mood: sleepy

Wow, I come to livejournal and see that it's got a completely new look to it. One that I could definitly get used too. Looks extremely comfortable and all fits nicely into one page.

Sorry to all of those that I've left out of the loop lately, or to anybody that feels ignored. I've just, been finding that when I recieve calls from people and I don't feel like talking I don't pick up. Or, if I get messages and don't feel like talking I won't respond. I apologize if I've blown you off or haven't really associated with you for a while. I'm attempting to be a bit more social once again. Let this be attempt #3...or was it #4?

- Brian

Happy Halloween!

Hope everybody has a good one; with the parties, trick-or-treating, and causing trouble.

I'm working tonight, so I can't really do much. I'd love to dress up but there's nothing I can really dress up as. I, honestly, forgot about Halloween this year because my mind is in a million different places. There's always next year to do something. I'll probably just go to work in my pjs or something.

I woke up to my cell phone ringing today and it was Marcus. I listened to his message and feel kind of bad about everything that happened a few months ago. I should probably call him and clear things up before he goes down to Florida...Hell-maybe Ryan, him, and I could chill before Ryan leaves for Florida. Who knows with Ryan though, he seems to be changing a bit. He never used to not call me if he said he would so we could chill or something. He's probably just tied up in the moving thing. Ah well.

- Brian

Tags: friends
Current Mood: bored

Been away for a while.
Envoked my my home away from home, WoW. lol
Lately, in the past few weeks, I've been playing alot of World of Warcraft. Since Crowley's moving, and Joe's already gone, I haven't had much of a reason to do anything else. I try to get days off at the casino but Coin has been really fucked up lately. Can't even get a day off requested well in advance. What'r'ya gonna do about it though?
To save money lately I've just been staying home anyways, the more time I spend on WoW the better because it prevents me from spending all my cash. I've been staying boarded up in my room and leaving my checks at the casino to age. We just got our bonus' a week ago. $218 or something. yay? Ah-well. I still have that in my car, and have 2 checks waiting to be picked up.
I still have to pay my JWU Achievement Loan this month, and my Granite State Management this month too. The JWU Ach. is only like $1,443. So, I'll probably have that one knocked out by December. The GSM is a bit more, something like $5,---. Paid a couple months on it though...but I'm going to start paying more each month just so I can get rid of it faster.

I picked up GANTZ the other night, before Joe left, so we could watch it and it's fucking awesome. One of the best anime I've seen. The story line is odd...but it's highly entertaining.

Ah well...call for bed.

- Brian

Current Mood: sleepy